I need to get back on track and lose some fucking weight.
So, if you read my last post, under number two I talked about my incident while running the other day. To sum it up, it was the first time I’ve ran in over a year and right before I was going to cool down I got a strange feeling in my chest which turned into awful heartburn! I felt weak and terrible, and sat near the toilet waiting to throw up because that’s how I felt. I didn’t push myself too hard and I really enjoyed the run up until that point, but I’m afraid to do it again. Does anyone have any experience with something similar? Any tips or advice?
- I’ve gained a couple pounds and I feel like poop. Not so much because I’ve gained, but because of the manner in which I’ve gained. I’m seriously on the verge of becoming addicted to sweets and my body hates me for it. Every night I CRAVE ice cream or chocolate with such intensity it’s ridiculous, and this is why I am no longer 95 pounds. The worst part is that I do really good all day long and then it just goes to shit as soon as night rolls around. No surprise though, this has been my one glaring problem since I first started trying to lose weight and get healthy many moons ago. And I know, I KNOW it’s not even worth it. The satisfaction is so fleeting and I go to bed feeling bloated and loathing myself and usually wake up the same way. It is completely counter-productive and does nothing for my body or self-esteem. I have to find a way to break this habit. Of course, this will be hard considering last night my boyfriend and roommate decided to get high and buy a giant tub of M&M cookies and chocolate chip ice cream to make homemade ice cream sandwiches. KILL ME.
- I’ve never been much of a runner. In fact, besides brief stints using the elliptical at the gym, I haven’t really run since the Fall of 2010. I still stay active and get cardio through my job, walking around town, hiking, biking, etc. but I’ve always wished I could find that runner’s high that people talk about and enjoy it as a form of exercise and stress relief. So, being that I hadn’t done it in so long I thought, “what the hell, maybe I’ll like it more now.” After all, so much has changed in terms of my lifestyle and health habits in the past year and a half, I thought I might find a new appreciation for it. And I did! I really, thoroughly enjoyed my run. It was a perfect da;, summer-like in the middle of march, and the sun was shining down on me through the trees shading the bike path. I wasn’t too hot or too cold, and I had great tunes to keep me going and all the space and time in the world to just be with my body and m thoughts. In that moment I really understood what all the hype is about. And then it hit me. Heart-burn or acid indigestion (whatever you want to call it) like I’ve never had before. Right as I was starting to cool down I felt so sick and awful all of a sudden. I could barely make it home and when I did I felt weak and faint and even threw up a little bit. I was mostly upset because I knew it would turn me off to running again, and after such a nice jog I thought I would finally have a reason to incorporate it into my life. Now, I’m scared of what might happen.
- My vegan conversion is not going as smoothly as planned. As previously mentioned I’ve been on a month-long binge on sweets, and obviously most of that junk has dairy products in it. Besides that, I just lack the willpower, time, knowledge, and resources to make the change. All of which is within my control and can be done, I know, but it’s not easy. My job is so tempting, my friends are bad influences, and my kitchen is not so well-equipped. Besides that I feel like I don’t know enough about the nutrition, have enough recipes, or enough money to buy the food I want. I don’t know, super frustrating, but what really gets me is the times when I CAN make smart choices and little changes and I fail to do so. Last week on Spring Break I did pretty good, and I felt a million times better all around. My skin even cleared up! I just have to do it. Plain and simple. Just do it.
- I want a juicer so bad, but I’m too poor!
Last night I went out for dinner and drinks with one of my good friends from work. I honestly don’t go out very much, which allows me to avoid the common pitfall of friends being bad influences on your eating habits and food choices. Last night I realized why this is such a problem. I think I could have eaten healthy and not overdone it, but since it was a rare occasion for me to go out to dinner I kind of just said “the hell with it” and went all out. I got a coffee martini, butternut squash macaroni & cheese, and a brownie sundae, followed by another chocolate martini at the bar. I haven’t felt that full in at least over a year. Not since I was still battling my ED. Anyway, I was proud of myself for not reverting to old habits or beating myself up over it, BUT I do feel really crappy this morning. It’s okay though, one thing I’ve learned over the course of this journey is to take one day at a time, to start fresh with every meal, every workout, and not let one mess up consume my thoughts and decisions.
What I really wanted to post about was the Butternut Squash Mac & Cheese. It was AMAZING! Seriously. So good. Since I’m trying to cut out most animal products whenever possible I’m now inspired to come up with a Vegan version of the dish. Like I said (I think,) I’m not going completely vegan as of yet, but I am trying to make as many swaps as possible and experiment with new recipes and so far I’ve loved everything I’ve tried.
Funny how I can only be productive when I’m overwhelmed. If I don’t have an overflowing plate, so to speak, I’d rather not have anything on my plate at all. I’ve had the past month off from school and I spent the majority of it just relaxing, going to work, and relaxing. I could have been working out, blogging, playing keyboard, cooking, learning, etc. but like I said, if I don’t have a lot to do, I’d rather not do anything.
Anyway, now that I’m back in school and busy again, I’ve decided to get back on track and start blogging again. It’s really such a great way to stay motivated and organized, and I love knowing that there are some people out there reading to hold me accountable.
With that being said, now that I’ve embarked on this diet change I plan on posting a lot more recipes, and information about food, health, and nutrition, and a lot less thinspo. I know working out is just as important as what you eat, but I don’t really like working out, as hard as I try to make myself, and I really do love food and cooking. I’ve also realized since resolving to try new foods, that a lot of the healthy foods and meat substitutes that I have been eating, I know virtually nothing about. To be honest, I don’t even know what half of the stuff is, and that’s almost just as scary as not knowing where your meat comes from. One thing I plan on doing is researching and posting information on the new foods that I try. You can also expect more personal posts on what it’s like to try and live healthily when your a broke college student, living with two guys, who works at one of the most unhealthy restaurants in America. So stay tuned!
So, I’ve kind of gotten completely off track lately. I’ve been sick off and on, and just generally lazy with the weather and time change. We got our SNAP benefits taken away as well because we never changed out address so we didn’t get our verification stuff in on time, and now we have to wait awhile to get them back. So it’s been virtually impossible to eat as healthy and good as I have been used to now that we all have to scrounge for grocery money and buy cheap shit.
Anyway, I’ve got my December Woman’s Heath in and 43 days (I think) until My birthday in Vegas so I’ve still got time to get in exceptionally good shape by then. I’m gonna sit down, read and get motivated, and come up with a realistic game plan for the rest of the year.
There are exactly two months until I turn 21 in Las Vegas, meaning that I have exactly two months to get in the best shape of my life.
I need to find a balance between getting completely down on myself and beating myself up over ever cookie and counting every tiny success as an award-worthy accomplishment. I just can’t seem to be proud of my progress and hard on myself at the same time, which is why last month was kind of a joke. I did have a healthy mindset throughout, which I attribute mostly to blogging. I was conscious of everything I ate (even when I are junk food, I didn’t go overboard or anything) and I remained active - even if that meant just going to a hike or doing 15 minutes of yoga before bed. I am proud of myself for that, because it’s becoming more and more of a lifestyle and less and less of a time-consuming chore.
But I’m still not seeing results, and I did not feel as good as I wanted to on Halloween. In fact, my self-esteem hit rock bottom the week before Halloween and I spent the entire weekend wondering if my boyfriend was thinking about fucking Catwomen and trying not to sit or pose in any way that would give me rolls in my costume. It was pretty awful, but it’s my own fault, and I can’t bitch and moan when I know it’s in my control. Looking back on it now, the last couple weeks of October were just a roller coaster of emotions and inconveniences, with this fucking snow storm, my car dying out on me, quitting and rejoining the band, etc.
Anyway, enough of that. November is a new month, and I will not continue to feel like I am less than everyone else. I’m motivated, I’m determined, I have goals, I have interests, I have talents, I’m responsible, I’m fucking hilarious, and I can sure as hell be sexy as fuck if I just put the time in. And that’s what I intend to do.
Here I go again!